Direct experience experienced
A few and not many. I have gone through the pile of personal notes, written down over the course of many years. Tracking my progress, in hope that it will ignite a reader. Someone I can share it with.
Feel me in the words. Feel your mind bend.
I don`t want to feed you, but rather ignite you, so I`ve given you a few key notes. Hopefully, you will investigate it and investigate it yourself. If not, that`s good too.
Do not take any of this as Truth. Only your own direct experience can be trusted.
I was having a conversation with a childhood friend within a dream. I was asleep. It was my inner voice and his voice talking with each other. “I” was nowhere, like a free-floating space witnessing while these two voices discussed. Me and him talking, while witnessing it. “I” as the observer woke and started to witness. I got aware that the childhood`s friends voice was identical to his actual real-life voice, and the fact that it was me who manufactured it within me. Now it became clear that it was two separate identities talking to each other, but they were both me.
Then the “I” raised the question: “Wait! Then who am I?”
What followed was an intense, a massive flush of thoughts and the mind dropped into my chest. It literally felt like a solid mass being forced/pulled down and made quiet. What followed was a calm confusion, a pure presence, an observative space of awareness. Peace.
I woke up and realized that the “I” yet had not awoken. I was not there, but I was awake. It was so quiet, and birds was singing outside my window. There were still some thoughts, but there was no chatter at all. The “I” gulped a few times in my mind, but it felt like a stranger. “What are you doing here?”, was my response to it. After about 20 minutes the “I” came sneaking up again.
“Now moment realized in contemplation”.
When I sit, it is now. When I stand up, it is now. When I imagine standing up, it`s in the future, but when I stand up it`s now.
- - - - - - - Bits and pieces. But they are all individually occurring now.
How can “I”, Christer, talk over this constant and forever now? The dialogue is seemingly continuous, but it is thought of in bits and pieces. How can time exist in this, and I speak over time?
It was now when I started writing this, and it is now when I am done. The future is now, which means I already experienced it. All of it.
I`ve lived all past. The future is past, which is now. Past had a future, and now has a future. Future has a future. Future will come to now. What has been, is now. It`s all now.
“I am made of light”.
I felt my deepest and most tense, restless, hurt. Frustrated, angry, despair. I cried hard, punched the bed, and felt all this hidden sorrow inside. I could not see it, but I felt the “sphere” of it.
After followed emptiness, and a STRONG!!! -powerful surrender: “Whatever it takes, get me through this. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.”
I lied down on the floor on my back, sobbing in the surrender of it. I was crushed and empty. The cup was empty, and I was open to be filled. “Whatever it is, whatever it takes”.
My room was Dark. In the dark I looked at the contrast between my guitar and the white wall behind it. I knew what was coming, the “no-contrast”. I saw the smooth and non-contrast “split” and could see it melted together. The guitar and the wall became one.
Then my hand was placed in front of the guitar and while staring at the hand, the contrast disappeared, and so did my hand. This notion, hand coming in and out of existence, like it was a cloud of white moist manifesting, grabbed my attention.
The matter of my hand was like looking at infinite number of white dots, in a fast forward notion, swirling, popping in and out of existence, at tremendous speeds.
I sat up on my knees and looked at my hands in contrast to the dark floor, so the contrast of my hand popped out better for inspection.
Now things changed. While staring at my hands I got conscious of every single “dot” making out the hands, but the dots was pure light. I continue to stare and inspect neutrally.
Tiny and infinite amounts of white dots made of light popped through, illuminating the hands. Like a dim lamp. I saw the hands was light, not hands at all.
My room was DARK. But my hands were illuminated. Too fast to explain. Only possibility was observation. The realization watered my eyes. “I am light”. “Everything is light”.
I cried in happiness and relief. No fear was present. Just pure awe and deep gratitude.
“The infinite screen of possibilities”. “Pure consciousness”. “The universe”. “The always present”. “The movie projector”.
It is like my “eyes” ARE “the seen”, or “the projected”, but I know there is no separation. I am fully emerged in the centre of it. It feels like 2D. The light is the shape. Rounding objects, creating a dept. Is the world 3D? How? If I draw a square on paper it is 2D, but what is the difference to that of 3D?
Here and there clearly does not exist. I can never witness the full roundness of an object, or what is behind it, without the aid of another observer. It`s only I.
This “screen” is being “maintained”, kept steady and present by something. It`s constantly being manifested. It almost feels like it`s there for me, a gift, for me to explore. I feel a deep sense of humility and love in my core.
It feels as every infinite “bit” of the screen has every infinite opportunity (shape, size, colour, smell, touch, brightness, dept)
In the low light the pattern between the mosaic elevated up from the floor and got visible through my hand. I saw through my hand, at the pattern behind it. I imagined the pattern to become more visible, glowing, and it did. The imagination, power of belief, literally made the unseen seen. The background became the foreground. The pattern was my hand.
Now I think of the “real world” and it`s objects, walls, contrasts. It exists as my reality through my beliefs. Henceforth, my beliefs are my reality made “physical”.
“Contrast of me”.
I can feel very clearly the “dept” of space around and outside me, like I`m there. The air between my fingers is not air. It`s thick, like a hard fluid, that my awareness “swims” through. Slowly I go back and forward, becoming the space between the fingers. I am again knocking the mind.
A star in the sky, and the light of a flying plane; what`s the difference?
I look at my hand and get aware of one fingertip, the door smacks downstairs and I get aware of that. Then it moves to my nose tip and onward to the centre of my skull. “I” am everywhere, not in this body. Yes, I am, but only when I am aware of it. I can be the sound on the TV, the stars in the skies, my thoughts as they come, the voice of a person, and my own voice.
I was in my tent out in the forest. It was morning and I had just awoken. I closed my eyes again and there would come random pictures of extremely high detailed forest images. As real as what you see in front of you now. Just like a blank canvas, the mind “painted” instantly the most stunning detailed images of nature up close. It was like my mind already had those images painted in the dark, which gently “popped” out into consciousness. I received 5-6 stunning images with eyes closed, coming in and out slowly and with a beautiful transition. I opened the eyes and did not see any difference. Eyes open or closed, it did not matter. I wondered if everything is like this? Is everything nothing to be percieved?
I looked at my hand, the inside of the tent, felt sensations and emotions. I felt that everything I percieved, including me, was nothing. But there was presence. Somehow, with no force or effort, the dark was made seen. The impossible made possible. There is just nothing more to say or think of. It`s blank.
This one was just as fun as it was important. I lost the notes on this insight, but it is such a profound one and I have to give it to you.
I took a nap during the day. I woke up in a dream.
But I woke up as the background, seeing myself as "Christer" in bird perspective in front. There was no seperation between background and foreground. No thoughts was there. Absolutely no thoughts. Christer was running like an extremely free and happy dude down a hallway. It was no thoughts, but the scenery just spontaniously changed into what I desired the most, with no effort. Immideate change of scenery to my deepest want, and Christer was me moving in front of me, completely aware of what was coming. The hallway changed to a steep cliff, and Christer just ran like fuck towards the edge and jumped. Scenery changed to the heavens, empty sky, and I flew. It changed the background to an scene that looked like something from the most epic fairytales, a castle in the middle surrounded by epic mountains. I flew towards the castle and a superhero appeared. We started to fight for fun with abilities we knew we had. We laughed. We landed on the ground and the scenery changed to me waking up in my bed. "The Dreamer" was still "behind" me seeing me in bird perspective, but it was me.
The Dreamer is always here, behind everything. But it is all that is. When you fall asleep, you don`t really fall asleep. I would not even say it is a transition. It simply happens.