The thoughts arising are not mine at all. Seemingly I am a somebody to someone, or to many. To myself, I am. Until I am not. I have no past and I have no future. Glints. Bits and pieces. Which is good insight into how stuff really comes and goes. But everything just comes and goes. In a flicker. And none of it is me, but ultimately it is. As I am writing this now, it is a wonderful show of sensations. Sensation, then consciousness and a mental image. Again, and again. It truly brings a silence to my being, seeing that impermanence right here. From this position of being, there is simply nothing to be spoken of.
My name is Christer Dani Carlsen. I am a 33-year-old Norwegian man living in Copenhagen, Denmark.
I have no spiritual background whatsoever. But in what I consider spiritual, I was an extreme spiritual seeker.
Since I was a kid I have been seeking. Seeking answer to "infinity". That is it.
I was only 12 when I was in a helpless depression, because I could not understand that when I die, I will be dead forever. Until all planets have vanished, all stars collapsed, all galaxies gone, until everything discharged and vanished. And when there was nothing, I would be silently dead forever. Just black emptiness.
Today that makes me smile, and it is pretty funny considering where I ended up.
In my entire life, since childhood up until now, I was pulled towards what people consider "dangerous and life-threatening" experiences. Wow, I just could not get enough of feeling close to death. Standing on the edge, with complete power to live or die. And lucky me, I had friends that were the same. We did so many absolutely fantastic and stupid stuff over the years. I broke some bones, but wow; it was worth it!
I left for an outdoor school far up in Norway at the age of 21. Here I could get into even more dangerous situations. Fantastic!
Through extreme sports for a whole year, I broke boundaries so hardcore I should not be alive today. I should have died on several occasions. On those occasions I was utterly confused of how I was not dead. I became fearless. And I wanted more. So, the mind turned towards the Himalayas.
I moved to Copenhagen after the outdoor school to seek more experience. No chance in hell was I going to study. There was something else, a vague destiny. I just could not grasp it, but it pulled me. So, I walked blindly even though everything and everyone around me told me to get into the educational system. This was just my own subtle fear being projected from others. It was me all along. Lucky me I did not listen, it almost repelled me. And money is not the only currency on this planet. In a way, everything possible is a form of currency.
Eventually my past finally got me. A lingering depression and anxiety. One could say I had an unstable childhood. Thanks to my mom, I was saved. She did so much and sacrificed even more so me and my brother could have a stable foundation. I cannot express how much LOVE I have for her. She did everything she could. I can only hope that one day I can return it. I have.
Returning to base story; I went to psychologists, psychotherapists, talked with my best friend, saw all kinds of personal development videos, read books, pushed myself further and further. Nothing helped. Nothing helped... It was just a bandage on a bleeding wound. And the anxiety was getting more and more severe.
Finally, two years after I moved to Copenhagen, I went to Himalaya to climb a mountain as a counter to my anxiety. It took 3 weeks to get to the top. What a life transforming journey. Thinking back on that trip I always end up seeing how much I cried after I finally made it to the top. I cried for two hours straight on the way down, wobbling around, completely at peace and completely empty. So heavy and light. So, serine. Exceptional stillness. My life dream was fulfilled, ascending a mountain in the Himalayas. Without knowing it, I was now equipped with everything I needed to ascend the mind.
Some years later I went to Caucasus to climb Mt. Elbrus. But this was just an echo. I did it mostly to impress others. In between, before and after, I went on countless trips with my tent. I would choose the silence of my tent over anything extreme today. But I don`t mind extreme if the opportunity presents itself.
I was now 28 years old, and started studying what I thought was my dream study, Geology. My entire life I was drawn towards contemplating science, dynamics and how things work together. Finally, I felt ready. I was not, and I knew it deeply. It was again a distraction to find "my place", acceptance of self, and a role in society. I loved it so much, but whenever I had to study hard I just fell out of it. I could not focus. Always getting up to get coffee, toilet, playing computer; all excuses to push the study was welcome.
After one year I quit. And then I lost all sparks. Nothing, literally nothing was left in me. I had no meaning. I sunk into depression and meaninglessness. "From everything I`ve done, why am I still not happy and content? I have realised my childhood dreams. Why am I still not happy with myself?"
I can honestly say I have tasted life, all aspects of it, all the fruits in the bowl. Only to realise that all was fruits. And eventually, it had no importance to my sense of well-being. The heavy backpack with the load of the past was always on my back, no matter where I went. But I had to learn this through experience.
The awesome moment came when my mind gave up. I love to treat myself with spa-like stuff, so I am a frequent guest at a bath house. With my sponges, oils, and balms.
Anyway, I was laying submerged in warm water in a swimming pool looking up at the ceiling while my head was resting on the edge.
Before we continue this little story, I have to say that I`ve personally studied science my entire life. Simply could not get enough of it. You could say I was a "system thinker" seeing everything in systems.
Returning; The ornaments in the ceiling were arranged in the most perfect and satisfying order. "How perfectly linear those planks are arranged", I thought. Suddenly I got conscious of the entire planet earth, and I could immediately see how all systems was in fact One. The systems immediately collided into one solid picture, the perfect universe, the picture went away, and the subject remained. In that exact moment I disappeared and came back just as quickly, to see me not being a part of me. My body jolted and a surge of energy arose within me.
I turned to my friend who was lying next to me and without any mind I just spoke. I was aware of words coming out, but I was not speaking them. I thought I was going insane. That same evening, I was playing computer which I am fondly found of, and I was baffled on how my body was doing all of it without me doing anything. I slipped right into non-doership. lol?
At this point in my life, I was ready for anything. Anything! I had nothing to lose. I had thought all meta thoughts, and my mind hit the limiting space of my “interior ceiling”.
I always had that feeling I was waiting for something. I had that feeling my entire life. I understood right away that this was it. This was my queue.
The following month after I was going in and out of non-dual states at random times, not knowing what the fuck was going on. But I felt ALIVE! The internal POWER exploded.
I fell over the concept of enlightenment through a fantastic friend and understood what was happening. For the next 6 months I was crying in relief and happiness practically every day. At home, at work, inside stores. I was so happy, and I felt so lucky beyond imagination. Beyond grateful. I was not me!!! And something awoke me. How can you thank it enough?
In every song I heard me singing to myself. Every sound was for me. When two persons talked together, they were not talking to each other. It was me talking to me, and I listened. All was me. And I was not doing anything of it!
I decided to continue to work as a barista on full-time. I knew my job so well I could do it in my sleep. 10 years of making coffee does something. I had two jobs, both baristas. One was in an environment where you were encouraged to be open minded.
The other was highly conservative, getting guests from political instances and conservatives in general. Simply perfect for what I needed to do next. Face my load.
My first spiritual book fell into my hands "The Presence Process". Me and my friend went into a spiritual bookshop. We did not even look at anything. 1 meter inside the shop, he pointed at a book down to his left without seeing where he was pointing and said I should buy that. I bought it without looking at any other books and went out 30 seconds after we came in. I love that book so much! It simply locked awareness inside. It was a 10-week program to accumulate presence. I did it twice and failed both times a few days before it was done. That experience was given to me to wake up to that unconscious aspect of my mind, tossing away everything at the finish line. Luckily the 2nd time I failed it I laughed very deeply. Through the intense process I quickly discovered what emotions were, what they actually are, and how to integrate them through external situations. By being fed "messengers" I was being set up hundreds of times each day by customers. Fantastic!
People came in with their own load of crap, to meet me, with my own load of crap. I faced countless of situations where I was flared up in fury, anger, and frustration by the other person, who on practically all occasions was not aware or even trying to upset me. We live in such different realities, which I have come to understand thankfully. I would say in most set-ups I would be silent, turning inwards and feeling quietly and unconditionally as I executed the order. Mostly I`d rather execute "Order 66". And at a few situations I blew open in complete anger, shaking in fury. If it felt like this charge was particularly important, as being a foundational charge of my negative experience, I quickly turned to my boss and said I needed 10 minutes alone. Then I went to the toilet and sat down feeling unconditionally. If there was not enough time, I would remember it when I got home and feeling it fully. Meaning, unconditionally feeling it until it was settled.
I even deliberately started arguments to get into a situation where unconscious turmoil would arise to my awareness. I even got fired from a bakery because I spoke truth to an employed woman on how I felt. It was a sharp comment, but I have no limitations for my process. It certainly crossed her boundaries, and I was reported and fired.
Perfect. Time to move on.
People was easily triggered because I was. After the conflict I kept quiet, turning the mind away from the person, submerging it in the emotional resonance, feeling it unconditionally until it was gone. Again, and again and again.
You can do two things. One, you kill the messenger. You get angry and yell at them, thinking the anger you are having is due to them. The burning stone is being passed and played between us. Or. You can be quiet when anger arises, notice it is arising within you, feel it unconditionally, and let it settle by itself to its rightful place. This is true for all your negative emotions.
I did this every day for 3 years. Every single day for 3 years with customers and non customers. And I still am doing emotional integration today.
I decided to stay if it was required for my integration to be complete, for that instance. I was willing to do whatever it takes. No discussions! Whatever it takes.
It was finally time for me to wake up and I had the gift of "knowing". I just knew. I can`t say anything more about that. I just knew where I needed to focus the mind along my short path to full realisation. Or you can say, my ego was humbled so much from everything I had been through that I followed the signs without much interference. My intuition was clean and sharp. The speed of my evolution of consciousness was equivalent to the speed of a rocket. Limitless energy. And funny enough, just 2 years after my "spiritual awakening" I entered Full Awakening.
Kundalini. My heart melts just by looking at and feeling Kundalini. I love Her so much. The bond between us is immensely strong.
About once every week I was being woken in the stage between sleep and awake. I was fully conscious I was asleep, but awake. A faint energy started to appear in my body, and then it utterly exploded within. It literally felt like I was wired to the most powerful power source, an electric grid, being electrified by a current so strong I screamed in pain. Moaning and screaming higher and higher as it increased in intensity. It forced me to awake, and I loved it. If I resisted the current, it hurt even more. It was present in my whole body, more intense in different areas where I knew I had emotional blocks and forcing itself through the blockages. And the dream was manufactured to ease the ego, keep it quiet and at peace, make it feel safe, as I was getting fried. I had so many waking dreams, and over the course of time I got skilled to stay awake in them. So, what did I do? I immediately manifested my fear and let it eat me alive, to have myself wake up in shock and a fast-beating heart. If I didn`t feel I got the fear integrated, I got up and went down to the collective basement, sat myself in the far edge of it, away from any light switch. Then I waited until the light automatically went out and I had to find my way back to the door in pitch dark. Ha-ha. What a speed of intensity I was.
My awake life was just as intense. Continuously I was feeling a "laser beam" coming down and burning my crown in intense heat. Sometimes it felt like the sky was falling down on my head or my head was going to explode from inner pressure expanding outwards. But it felt good. I was being set up by my entire past, and it had no patience. Which I highly prefer. Either do it, or don`t.
I was crying so much. I was crying in ultimate harmony; I was crying my lungs out in self-love. Crying so hard I was screaming. Countless evenings I found myself just sitting in my couch embracing myself in my arms, crying out loud of how much I love myself. I never experienced self-love. Only through acceptance of others could I feel self-love. Not anymore. I became love. I felt I was moving into infinite love. And rightly so.
The mind altered. I was seeing the mind expand and expand, thoughts becoming Mega Meta and I collided everything within me. Every day I was getting more and more "True Thoughts". I remember one of my favourite hobbies was sitting in my couch and jumping between thoughts and being. With coffee of course. I like coffee.
There it was. Unlimited. Untouched. Potential of everything. The inner voice kept repeating itself "There is nothing.", again and again.
But the trickster, the ego is much more ahead of you. It was already seeing what was coming, before it did, and it knows what is coming next.
Looking for the ego is the same as "going hunting with a beating drum." I love that phrase. I really say it all.
I tried everything to finish me off completely. I studied advanced psychological models, meditated in long time lapses each day, and continued to keep the meditation as a mindset. I did conscious breathing 15 minutes every morning and 15 minutes every evening. I went to extremes and got naked in the cold to meditate, ice baths, extreme heat over long time, dehydration, and hunger, deliberately putting myself in situations where I was scared. When I was ambushed by a sudden deep fear, I would take the train far outside Copenhagen and venture into the dark woods with no light to shit my pants. Or swim out into the ocean and let my feet hang down. Whatever it takes.
What finally was my saviour was my ability to contemplate. I was particularly good at this in my life. Contemplation never stopped. Through it I felt my mind expand like the breath but becoming empty. Expanding to saturate, contracting to integrate. I was playing computer and contemplation was still running in the background. But I had no time for integration. I was a non-stop rocket. "Whatever it takes" is the key line to success. Whatever it takes. But hold up. It is just as important to give love back to yourself.
So, if I were very effective, I would always treat myself with hot chocolate, a movie, playing computer, candy, etc. Love and it`s compassion are a must-have. If not, you`ll get smacked so hard and it will backfire and set you back. It happened a few times too. Love and it`s compassion. Don`t forget that. Balance the weight. Balance your life. Balance your awakening.
I will die for the sake of knowing the Truth if I must. I really mean that. I would literally die to just know what reality really is. And I did. Many, many times. I had a lot of the so-called ego-deaths. Then the absolute destroyer came and cut off the "I".
I was not there. "That" was present. No, that`s too much to say. It was Presence. Nothing else. No time, no notion, no movement, no knowing, no sensation, no me.
"I" as a thought arose in that as the first idea. "That" saw the white root of the "I"-thought crawl in the abyss reconstructing itself, thought by thought. It was absolutely shattered. It was destroyed. But the "I thought/white root" still can kick like a fish on land. With merely no power it slowly reconstructed me, until “Christer” was done. I opened the eyes and could not move for a long time. I was so weak. Just staring blank. Empty. Still some thoughts. I took a long shower. Which I decided was my treat when I received Full Awakening. Water was not water anymore. Just taking a shower was the happiest and confusing moment of my life. "Was that really it?"
Yeah. And you can`t really grasp it before integration of enlightenment starts to happen. You need to embody it, inside and outside, into One. Balance and integrate all dimensions. But don`t worry, you`re not doing any of it!
Did I do any of this above? Did I think any of it? Nope.
I have never done anything ever in my life. This is going to be experienced directly for you. You must go into non-doership to see clearly, you are none of it. You must go into Nothingness to see you are nothing.
"That" did all. That`s why I can`t say I "did my life". That is why I can`t look at another life and wish I had that experience. It is a way of expression. Like hair growing from your head, you`re not doing the growing. It just happens.
Complete surrender was everything required. The last 6 months before my Full Awakening I was receiving RASA two to three times a month and being in dialogue with a fully awakened man.
I received the transmission and I just lived life exactly as I wanted. I gave up trying to get somewhere. I stopped seeking. I did not change me. Change happened and I witnessed it.
RASA is for those of you who are tired of seeking, frustrated, and frankly sick of all the bull everyone is saying. Including me. You want Truth. You want to Retune Home. Grace is here for you. It has always been here for you. Waiting. But are you going to accept this possibility?
I was angry and upset the first time I heard you can get enlightened in 6 months. "Impossible!!! Monks meditate for 60 years and maybe then, they`ll see it." It took me another 6 months of ego distractions before I accepted the idea of RASA.
Again, I was fooled by the restrictions of mind. Expand yourself. An educated mind entertains all thoughts.
Can you entertain the idea that you are enlightened in 6 months? You can entertain there is infinite planets with infinite life, containing infinite possibilities, but you can`t entertain that you can get enlightened in 6 months?
Nothing is impossible. Oh, the irony!
If you are curious and want an in depth explanation of RASA, I have broken it up into simple understanding. See the menu on top.
You are welcome to write me anything, any questions, whatever that comes up in you. And you do exactly what you want, whenever you want.